Volume 5, Issue 8 - August 2004

Have you ever analyzed the words you use and what they really mean? When teaching communication skills, I like to have a little bit of fun doing exactly that. I have a couple of pet peeves - and the word "can't" falls into that category.

What "can't" you do? You can do pretty much almost anything you want to do. Does can't mean "not able to" or "not willing to"?

When my boys were younger, there were certain words that were off limits in the house. We called them "swear" words. "Can't" was on the list.

As a parent, it would drive me crazy when my four-year-old would tell me, "I can't clean up the playroom." The same is true when a co-worker tells me that she "can't get that done in time."

My mind says, "Yes, you can. You just aren't willing to."

I had a participant in London, Ontario share with me that "can't" is an acrostic of:

I
Certainly
Am
Not
Trying.

My son really could clean up the playroom, he just didn't want to. My co-worker really could get the document done in time, but she felt that something else was a priority and wanted to do it first.

You really can: work overtime, stop everything you are doing and work on a project, get up in the morning, bungee jump, drive 200 km/h and so on. You choose not to!

Instead of telling people what you can't do, tell them what you can do. Why?

• It is a much more positive way to communicate. (assertive).
• It makes you feel more in control of your actions.
• It is clear and concise.

The next time your instant response to a request is "I can't," think about what you can do, and offer that instead:

"Rhonda, can you please stop by the post office on the way home and mail this package?"

"Actually, I have an appointment that doesn't allow for stops. I can do that on Monday morning on the way to work if you like."

or...

"Can you bring the laundry up from the basement?"

"I'm not going downstairs right now, but when I do go later, I will gladly bring it up."

See how much more in control these responses sound? You will find that you receive less opposition and are seen as an assertive communicator when you talk about what you can do rather than what you can't.

Rhonda Scharf (Finniss), CSP is a Certified Professional Speaker, Trainer and Author and President of ON THE RIGHT TRACK - Training & Consulting. Rhonda is available for training and keynote speeches for your organization. Call today at (877) 213-8608 or e-mail Rhonda@on-the-right-track.com. Why not take a moment and sign up here for her complimentary quarterly newsletter.